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Jude Marie Rayne
11 May 2006 @ 07:36 pm
There was a new kid at school today. Calls himself Kadaj. He is a strange character. Apparently he calls Jenova mother and is looking for her.

I have a bad feeling about this.
Current Location: Bedroom, Home, East Midgar
Current Mood: weirdweird
Current Music: Alive- Pearl Jam
Jude Marie Rayne
An Amazing Trip...FOR MY EYES ONLY!!!!Collapse )
Current Location: Bedroom, Home, East Midgar
Current Mood: confusedconfused
Current Music: I'm So Sick- Flyleaf
Jude Marie Rayne
Life is beginning to be too hard to handle.

Never had to be the one to make the hard choices.

I wish I could make Ethan stop hating Shin-Ra.

Wish I could make this a better world.

Wish things could be different, but they can't.

Ethan is trying to take me somewhere now.

I will write more later when we come back.
Current Location: Bedroom, Home, East Midgar
Current Mood: worriedworried
Current Music: Mary- Saving Jane
Jude Marie Rayne
07 May 2006 @ 04:42 pm
Letting go of things hurts.

Sometimes its less painful than holding on.

I'm hurting myself either way, tearing myself apart piece by piece.

Nothing, no choice I make, will make everyone involved happy.

I am left with no choices.

And killing myself on the inside.
Current Mood: disappointeddisarmed
Current Music: Disarm- Smashing Pumpkins
Jude Marie Rayne
I think this is what they mean when they say love is the most painful emotion you can possibly feel.

I have this feeling he has strong feelings for someone.

I am happy for him- really I am. I have told myself already that he could never care about me, I have accepted it, I am fine with it. I can let my heart break. I can forget him since that is what's best.

I wish him happiness.

I wish him love.

I wish him a better life and I will let go of everything I feel for him to have that.

Cross my heart and hope to die.
Current Location: Bedroom, Home, East Midgar
Current Mood: blankwilling to do what I must
Current Music: Happy- Saving Jane
Jude Marie Rayne
Its hard to live knowing the person you care about will never care about you the way you do them.

It feels like a part of you is dying slowly on the inside and no matter what you try to do, you can't get rid of that feeling. The pain is blinding.

I can make it stop if I try real hard, it is getting to the trying part that is something I am afraid to do, but I have to. I can't keep feeling the way I do about someone who can never feel the same way about me, no matter what. My heart is too weak and fragile and I know I will just get severely broken down, even more so than I am now.

If lives could be different, than maybe this wouldn't hurt so much.

If life was fair I would be able to forget what I feel for him, but I can't.

Nothing else is the same now, and nothing is different either. I can't explain how he's changed me.

Once I was ready to die just because I was sick. Now, I was ready to live because he asked me to, and I will keep that promise to him, but I don't think I can stay by his side anymore knowing he can never care about me the way I care for him. I have to try to divorce myself from my feelings, pretend nothing is there at all. Then maybe, just maybe I can be his friend, or be there when he needs me. I know if I try that right now it will only cause me more pain and I will become the person I hate again.

I think I have to tell him the truth, maybe it is goodbye, either way I need him to know what's going on and I'll let him know this: I just want him to be happy, so whatever that means, whatever I have to do to help him with that I will.

Even if it kills me, because what Mom said was right.

When you care about someone, their happiness is the most important thing in the world.

Gotta go. The doctor needs to check my bullet wound. I still can't hate Rufus even after he shot me. I know it was my own fault, but he makes me afraid of him now. So why do I still care about him so much, even when it is only killing me inside?
Current Location: Bedroom, Home, East Midgar
Current Mood: worriedheart broken
Current Music: Love Cost- Cassie Steele
Jude Marie Rayne
06 May 2006 @ 02:16 pm
I don't think I'll ever understand why he's dancing inside of my head.

This world is the most confusing place I can imagine.

Things that should be simple never are, and the hardest things seemingly the most simple.
Current Location: Bedroom, Ethan's House
Current Mood: confusedconfused
Current Music: Imperfection- Saving Jane
Jude Marie Rayne
05 May 2006 @ 08:12 am
If I died before I woke the world would be a better place.
Current Location: Bedroom, Home, East Midgar
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: Nothing Nowhere- Jakalope
Jude Marie Rayne
04 May 2006 @ 05:47 pm
I am hurtful.

I am hopeless.

I am horrible.

I am a bitch that deserves to be hated.

I am nothing.

I am shit.

I wish I could stop treating people I care about like garbage.

I wish everything was better now.
Current Location: Bedroom, Home, East Midgar
Current Mood: sadheartless
Current Music: Tourniquet- Evanescence
Jude Marie Rayne
04 May 2006 @ 11:45 am
The long story on my newest run in with Rufus Shinra...FOR MY EYES ONLY!!!Collapse )
Current Location: Bedroom, Home, East Midgar
Current Mood: confusedconfused
Current Music: Change (In A House Of Flies)- Deftones